The Chelsea Christmas Wishlist

As 25th December hurtles towards us with all the speed of a Japanese bullet train, I thought I’d take this opportunity to have a rummage round my sack and see what might make suitable gifts for some of the Chelsea team this year.

To Petr Cech – A time machine that would take him back to the morning of 15th October 2005 and a change to the Reading line-up meaning that the well-known piece of Cockney rhyming slang, Steven Hunt, wasn’t playing.

Copy to Mr Carlo Cudicini, Tottenham Hotspur football club (Andre Bikey option).

To Branislav Ivanovic – A bigger pair of shorts. Those thighs and that booty need larger accommodation. Grown heterosexual men in the West Lower have been known to comment.

Ashley Cole – A year free from intrusion by the scum of the press.

JT – A new back.

Ramires – A square meal. Josh McEachran to partake of same.

Yossi Benayon – A national association capable of looking after him and not seeking to blame his employers for injuries sustained whilst on international duty.

Frank Lampard – What do you give the man who has everything? Some decent viewing figures for his girlfriend…

The Baby Squad (Sturridge, PvA, Bruma) – I’ve thought long and hard to what to give them. I think a decent run in the cup would be nice.

Alex – a brick wall. He can decide whether he wants to use it for free-kick practise or run through it.

Mikel – a player who’s improved so much, if it wasn’t for Ash he’d quite possibly player of the year as of now. A decent haircut? Braids, perhaps?

Hilario & Ross Turnbull – both deserve the same. A free transfer.

Boswinga/Zhirkov – a couple of injury-free seasons apiece. Especially Bos in the light of his disastrous trip to Marseille.

Michael Essien – the ability to charm his way round match officials that Claude Makelele, the little assassin had. Claude would stand there, roll his eyes and look pleadingly at the ref and sometimes only get a yellow where it should have been a red.

Sulky Nic – it’s said that it’s blessed to give than receive, and I think Nic should assist me here and spread the inner calm that accompanied his conversation to Islam to the rest of the team.

Florent Malouda – a continuation of the form he’s shown under Ancelotti.

Salomon Kalou – for people to get off his back.

Paulo – anything he wants, he’s Paulo. Under-rated and under-appreciated.

And finally for Carlo – a good Christmas dinner following his recent diet!

Have a very merry Christmas everyone!!

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